


Night Vale Sex

by orphan_account



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-21
Updated: 2014-01-21
Packaged: 2018-01-09 11:58:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1145715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cecil gives a simple description of how people/multi-demensional creatures have sex in Night Vale</p>
            </blockquote>





	Night Vale Sex

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry

Hello listeners, it has come to my attention that many Night Vale citizens are un-educated in the ways of bonding in our town. 

Now, I realize this may be an uncomfortable topic for some of our viewers so, I will give any of these said people a moment to quickly leave.

.......Now. Of course this usually takes place after a date and the appropriate forms are filled, but it can occasionally be a... spontaneous occurrence. First things first, the blood ritual must first be performed of course. For this, you create a small circle made up of rare or poisonous desert plants. (Though, it does usually work better if the plant is poisonous.) 

Then the people in the intercourse have to sit on either side of the circle. You then get exactly a cup of blood from a desert animal (that does not exist) and put it into the center of the circle.

Good! Now this step is completed you then both take off all your clothes on the opposite sides of the room while slowly walking towards each other chanting: quod non valent, hoc est, historiam mauris asellus. 

You then lay the decided person on the place of fornication and retrieve the customary Night Vale sword with the inscription: genus teli

Here is the part where you have to be particularly careful. You slowly (and carefully) cut the tip (or side) of the genital. Then you hand the sword to the other and (with consent) let them do the same to you. You then take the blood or what ever liquid substance is coming out of them and cover your cut in it. 

Then, once you are both certain the blood has entered the cut, simply put your hand over the wounds and recite the proper incantation: genitalium vulnere sanari. Note this must be recited with the EXACT proper annunciation or dangerous side effects WILL ensue.

Any actions following are completely optional granted they follow the sheriff's secret police laws. 

*Before performing the sex let it be known that both and or all people must have clean blood that can not transmit any disease of any kind or the person who received the disease from this occasion has the legal right to bring the disease transmitor(s) to questioning under the glow cloud. This can only be if the disease was not discussed prior to intercourse.

Well, that's all for today, Night Vale. Now if you so desire go fuck those you love that have given their consent.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment!


End file.
